Sin

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Sometimes in life you meet someone unexpectedly. It’s difficult to explain the bonds you form. To the world they are wrong but to you they feel right. There is no definition for some relationships. He wasn’t my co-worker, my friend, my crush, my boyfriend. He was special.

We worked on a project together and I couldn’t stop the attraction I had towards him. It was his personality, like an enigma I felt drawn towards. We didn’t have much in common except our work. I tried to stop myself. I was in a committed relationship. I was happy but why was my mind going in this direction? I had no idea.

We talked about random things, tried spending time together which didn’t happen as much as we would have liked but it was fun whatever it was. Then he went his way and I went mine. But we just didn’t want to stop talking. I told him I was in a relationship, he appreciated my honesty but said that the attraction was mutual. We spoke endlessly everyday, wanting to meet again and share a moment together where time stood still and it was just us.

And the moment came. It was unforgettable. It was sin, it was lust but yet we couldn’t stop ourselves.Was it love? I’m not so sure.

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The thing with sin is, it can turn into addiction. Once you’ve tried something that’s out of reach normally, you want it more and more. We wanted more. We made it happen. Now this wasn’t a hook-up. We opened up to each other about our deepest darkest desires. What we wanted in life. What our past was. Wondering what the future will be. He was wise. He made a lot of sense saying what we’ve done will only make sense to us and no one else. Why hurt anyone by telling them about it?

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We met once again and I could feel a distance this time. He didn’t want to hurt me but he had to let go. Things were going too far. There was a physical and emotional connection but I was already involved with someone. For me, when I was with my partner my mind would switch off from this. But when I was alone at night I couldn’t resist calling up or thinking about this new feeling. I couldn’t share this with anyone. I’m sure anyone would judge me. But inside I didn’t want this to end. I knew it had to though.

I realized it was time to end it too. Better to cut off before things get out of hand. And we did. Until one night when I did something stupid.

Alcohol makes you do terrible things, and I drunk dialed him saying he didn’t miss me, saying he cut off from me only because he only wanted to hook-up with me. It was just immature and stupid. I regret it and feel so guilty for doing it. I could have remained friends with this person but ruined all chances of it.

He was angry as expected. But then he said some things in anger that have remained with me. He made me realize I have a partner who loves me, and I’m focusing on something that has no definition and probably won’t ever have one. My partner doesn’t deserve someone who is unfaithful. My partner deserves love and respect. So do all other people in my life and I had disrespected two very important people in life. It was unfair. I was being selfish. I couldn’t have the best of both worlds. I had to sort this out for myself. And it ended there.

I hope someday he will forgive my immature behavior and maybe we might be friends. We had our moments and that was that. It was good while it lasted.

Time to focus on the ‘now’ on what love actually is, and what my life partner deserves. And to sin I say “Thank you for memories that are always going to remain… You’re special”

 

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