The first love

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During my school days I never had boyfriend. I always dreamed of having one though all thanks to stupid chick flicks and teenage drama films. He was going to handsome, charming and just so cool. He had to be a performer – a musician or sportsman or an actor, just someone who’d make me feel special. I saw many girls around me start their first relationships but I never met someone who fit the bill.

During one summer vacation, the colony friends circle expanded. There were boys and girls of different age groups. We’d play badminton, basketball, go swimming and just hang out all day everyday. There I met him – the first. He was two years younger to me but we got along really well. Some of the other girls in the group had a crush on him but I never thought of him as anyone who has more than a friend. We’d chat for hours, day and night, and he was a soccer player. Performer. Check.

One evening while talking on the phone (landline) he told me he liked someone from the group. I asked him who and he answered ‘you’. I didn’t know what to say at the time, it was confusing so I asked for some time to think about it. We were to go on a summer camp together in the next couple of days and I didn’t want anyone to think he was my ‘boyfriend’ so I avoided all conversation about it. In fact, I pretty much avoided him all through the camp. He was sweet though, would come and check on me occasionally but I’d be cold and unresponsive.

The evening we were returning home on the train, he held my hand and smiled. I don’t know what it was about this gesture but my heart gave in. I smiled back. At night when everyone around us was asleep, he kissed me. It was my first kiss and it has remained with me ever since.

After that it was puppy love for many months, he’d take me on dates, buy me presents, make wonderful music CD’s for me, we’d talk on the phone for hours, much to the dismay of our parents. I’d write him letters and he’d write back. He was wonderful. Then I started college and he was still in his last years at school. That’s when things began to get weird. I guess age and maturity had something to do with it. He started slacking, played less football, began smoking and drinking and wasn’t sure about what he wanted in life. I wanted to study further, I was enjoying the process of film making I had been learning in college.

I finished college and was all set to start my post grad. He had just started college. I was going to move to another city to a co-ed institute. He said he was sad that I was moving away, but it had been almost 4 years of us being together that we were confident we’d survive a long distance relationship.

I moved and discovered a whole new world at film school. It was amazing meeting new and interesting people from all over the world. It also gave me freedom to express myself. Living away from home, cleaning my own room, living on a budget without the privileges I was used to. I loved it. After being in an all girls college, film school had no boundaries or restrictions. Couples were living together, we’d drink, smoke or just spend hours into the night talking about films and our lives. I got my share of attention from many guys on campus too, but most were told that I had a boyfriend back home.

I asked him to come visit me during his vacation and he did. My roommates gave us the hostel room and I was looking forward to a weekend with my boyfriend. He seemed out of place when he got there, probably the same way I did when I first got there. He left his phone with me and went out to smoke a cigarette. I began snooping around without suspicion but stumbled upon text messages from a number that wasn’t mine. They said “I love you”, “Happy 2 month anniversary”, “I miss you” and  I was confused. I asked him and he said they were from his ‘cousin’. I mean how stupid can you be?

I didn’t know what to say after that. He apologized all through the night for cheating on me but I had made up my mind. I didn’t want to see him. He came back home, continued to say sorry but I didn’t want it anymore. His brother called me and said it was a stupid mistake, forgive him but I was stubborn. It was over.

Many drunken calls and text messages followed but were ignored. That’s where I learnt that we have a tendency to take things for granted, we take people for granted. That they’re there, they’ll never leave, he’ll never hurt me. But, you shouldn’t. I still see him from time to time, but the only communication we have it a polite “Hi”.

I relate my life to this article quite a bit

https://www.elephantjournal.com/2016/11/we-only-fall-in-love-with-3-people-in-our-lifetime-each-one-for-a-specific-reason/

Often our first is when we are young, in high school even. It’s the idealistic love—the one that seems like the fairytales we read as children. This is the love that appeals to what we should be doing for society’s sake—and probably our families. We enter into it with the belief that this will be our only love and it doesn’t matter if it doesn’t feel quite right, or if we find ourselves having to swallow down our personal truths to make it work because deep down we believe that this is what love is supposed to be. Because in this type of love, how others view us is more important than how we actually feel.It’s a love that looks right.

If nothing else, I thank him for helping me grow up.

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Valentines and teenage love stories

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There was a boy in my class who once gave me a piece of paper with his name and mine on a heart. I tore it up because I was embarrassed. He was the class clown and once was responsible for pushing my foot under a swing that caused a me a minor sprain. But there were no hard feelings. Valentines Day in Class 6 I knew something was up, the others were pointing and stating my every move as I approached my desk, there was something there. I was already embarrassed as I wasn’t used to this kind of attention. I opened my desk and saw a card. I reacted instantly, tore it up and threw it in the dustbin. I burst into tears and ran out of the classroom. It was stupid. I hated him for putting me through this. But I never thought it then, how did he feel about it?

The story was legendary. Every Valentines Day after that I was reminded of it by my peers. In fact, 5 years later, this boy had a girlfriend in school who made him apologize to me for putting me through this every year. I appreciated it but never fully got over it. It’s silly the things that affect us so much. As we grow up we realize how pointless it was. I often think about how it may have affected the boy when he realized I didn’t have the same feelings towards him.

But then after a few years I behaved in a way the boy had. Or at least I think I did. I went for a colony friends school play and fell “in love” with the main lead. I mean I had only seen this guy in a play. I had no idea who he was or what he’s like. I guess that’s what you call star struck. Soon after I tried to find out as much about him as I could, through my friends school magazines and write ups. He was charming, head boy, orator, actor, all round perfect. At least in my head. Thanks to the internet and common friends I managed to get a hold of his chat ID and added him. When he accepted my invite I was thrilled. I started chatting with him on, saying I had added him by mistake but somehow due to common connections we continued to chat occasionally. I joined a quiz team that was visiting his school so I got the opportunity to meet him. He visited my school for a debate and a small friendship developed, or at least I thought it did. He once invited me for a birthday party. I was on top of the world. I went all dressed up. But sadly, I was one of many friends lost in the crowd. I overlooked it, and when my birthday party arrived, he didn’t.

That was the end of that. I was a heart broken teenager. Maybe I embarrassed him, I did kind of stalk him, but at the time I thought he was special. I’m sure he went on the achieve great things in life. We never stayed in touch. I did look for him on Facebook many years later but didn’t add him ‘by mistake’ or otherwise.

The Wonder Years

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My earliest memory is of school. A playground, tents and nap time. No wonder it’s so clear. I was always the ‘quiet’ one, the ‘shy’ one and somehow the ‘pretty’ one. I didn’t like talking from the beginning. I never spoke in class unless I was asked to. I had one friend. My best friend who was a lot like me so somehow it clicked.

My father was known to be a charismatic man. We lost him very early in life. Family and friends often said I look like him, behave like him. But, I had no memory. I still only know what he’s like through photographs and stories. I do wish we had more time with him. I’d like to know first had of what us so much alike.

In school I was once chosen to play a main character in a play. I don’t know why they chose me. In my opinion I was quite a mess. But then again I was probably 7 or 8 years old or so. I didn’t have a single dialogue. Just a few expressions – “Look Sad”, “Look Happy”, “Look scared”. It is here I saw the first boy who made me smile. He was acting in the play too. He was supposed to cheer me up when I was sad but in my heart I was already smiling. Childhood crushes have their own special place. But at that age liking a boy wasn’t your best move. You’d get teased and made fun of. So this was another feeling I kept to myself. We became friends eventually but lost touch and I never came around to telling him he was special.

In Class 5, my best friend left. She moved to the states which was so far away that the only way we communicated was through letters. Here is where I discovered my love for writing letters and more so receiving handwritten ones. It’s not the same with emails. I miss letters. I still write them as often as possible.

I made new friends in the coming years. But so many of them moved away. Some wrote back, some didn’t. School was day boarding so by the time we got home it was evening. We’d go out and play with the neighborhood kids. Here we made our ‘colony friends’. It’s funny how we have our school friends, work friends, college friends, colony friends, Facebook friends now. But very few real friends.  Those who we can speak our mind with and maybe write letters to.

I was extremely possessive about my close friends. I never wanted to let them go. I felt terrible when they made new friends. I think that made me a bit bitter in a sense. In my defense, it was difficult to open up to a new person, who decides to leave or find new friends, and you’re stuck with nobody. Being selfish I guess.

My escape from the pains of growing up were always Disney’s animated classics. I felt I was The Little Mermaid swimming in her ocean when I saw the film. I watched the films back to back memorizing the songs and dialogue. It was magical. Till this date, I have dreamed to visit Disneyland in the US but have only managed to get as far as Hong Kong. But someday I’ll get there.

 

 

First post

I’ve never been a very expressive person. Showing my emotions has been very hard for me. It takes a toll on those around me as to why I can’t do it. I don’t know. I may come of as cold, closed and boring but I think writing will help me express how I really feel. It’s an outlet. They say if you keep feelings bottled up for too long it can be bad for you. So here’s an attempt to let go of my thoughts and feelings on the world wide web. I’m not going to rant, or troll or go crazy. It’s just a look into my life so far and what goes on in my mind. How people and things around me make me feel. Read if you please…

So here goes…