Sin

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Sometimes in life you meet someone unexpectedly. It’s difficult to explain the bonds you form. To the world they are wrong but to you they feel right. There is no definition for some relationships. He wasn’t my co-worker, my friend, my crush, my boyfriend. He was special.

We worked on a project together and I couldn’t stop the attraction I had towards him. It was his personality, like an enigma I felt drawn towards. We didn’t have much in common except our work. I tried to stop myself. I was in a committed relationship. I was happy but why was my mind going in this direction? I had no idea.

We talked about random things, tried spending time together which didn’t happen as much as we would have liked but it was fun whatever it was. Then he went his way and I went mine. But we just didn’t want to stop talking. I told him I was in a relationship, he appreciated my honesty but said that the attraction was mutual. We spoke endlessly everyday, wanting to meet again and share a moment together where time stood still and it was just us.

And the moment came. It was unforgettable. It was sin, it was lust but yet we couldn’t stop ourselves.Was it love? I’m not so sure.

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The thing with sin is, it can turn into addiction. Once you’ve tried something that’s out of reach normally, you want it more and more. We wanted more. We made it happen. Now this wasn’t a hook-up. We opened up to each other about our deepest darkest desires. What we wanted in life. What our past was. Wondering what the future will be. He was wise. He made a lot of sense saying what we’ve done will only make sense to us and no one else. Why hurt anyone by telling them about it?

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We met once again and I could feel a distance this time. He didn’t want to hurt me but he had to let go. Things were going too far. There was a physical and emotional connection but I was already involved with someone. For me, when I was with my partner my mind would switch off from this. But when I was alone at night I couldn’t resist calling up or thinking about this new feeling. I couldn’t share this with anyone. I’m sure anyone would judge me. But inside I didn’t want this to end. I knew it had to though.

I realized it was time to end it too. Better to cut off before things get out of hand. And we did. Until one night when I did something stupid.

Alcohol makes you do terrible things, and I drunk dialed him saying he didn’t miss me, saying he cut off from me only because he only wanted to hook-up with me. It was just immature and stupid. I regret it and feel so guilty for doing it. I could have remained friends with this person but ruined all chances of it.

He was angry as expected. But then he said some things in anger that have remained with me. He made me realize I have a partner who loves me, and I’m focusing on something that has no definition and probably won’t ever have one. My partner doesn’t deserve someone who is unfaithful. My partner deserves love and respect. So do all other people in my life and I had disrespected two very important people in life. It was unfair. I was being selfish. I couldn’t have the best of both worlds. I had to sort this out for myself. And it ended there.

I hope someday he will forgive my immature behavior and maybe we might be friends. We had our moments and that was that. It was good while it lasted.

Time to focus on the ‘now’ on what love actually is, and what my life partner deserves. And to sin I say “Thank you for memories that are always going to remain… You’re special”

 

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The Affair

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I was going on a month long shoot with an all male crew to travel the country. A dream project of sorts. There were two directors – me and him. He had a lot of work experience and I was supposed to report back on his performance and then see if he can continue the shoot on his own. My first impression was he’s lazy, didn’t show up for meetings and he was disorganized. But what the hell? I was going to travel the country and this really didn’t matter.

At this time I was not engaged but in a long distance relationship which was going well. My partner was happy for me and the fact that I was getting to travel like this. And we were off. Everything was going well but then the shoot hit a few roadblocks. This was beyond both our control so we asked to continue shooting together backing each other up when needed.

We reached the mountains and he began to open up. He had no inhibitions and a great sense of humor that kept the entire crew in good spirits. One night it was just to two of us talking, it lasted for hours. I told him about my life and he told me about his. He was a playboy and I was the nice girl. He was charming and mischievous and I was too simple. There was a weird connection that neither of us understood. But the very next day there was an instant pull towards each other. We were working together but wanted to spend all free time together as well. I don’t know whether it was being away from my boyfriend or just the new feeling and thrill that I went with the flow. We wanted to pursue that we knew we couldn’t have. He held my hand secretly in the car and I didn’t push it away. He hugged me tight one afternoon and I didn’t want him to pull back. This was just physical attraction. Right?

One evening we kissed. I felt very guilty. He knew about my relationship but I guess we were both of the mindset that after the project is over we won’t be seeing each other. One kiss lead to much more. The high you get when you do something wrong or risky is something I cannot explain. But despite the guilt you do it. This was a secret. No one was going to know.

But after the project ended it was difficult to stay apart. We always wanted to talk and spend time together. Now I was getting stressed. It was when I decided to move away. He was upset but knew this was going to happen one day. We moved apart but there were withdrawal symptoms. We missed spending time together but would talk when we could. I was missing the intimacy in my current relationship and looking for it in this affair. I didn’t want that. I tried very hard to make my relationship work but depression was getting to me. My relationship was supposed to be solid and this was just a fling, right? But things were going in the opposite direction. I didn’t know why.

The relationship ended because of other reasons and I wasn’t ready to start a new one. But then I found a friend. He helped me get out of my depression. He helped me develop my confidence. He helped me get back my voice and start working. He was there he had no reason to be there but he was. Given his past, he could have avoided me altogether he had got what he wanted at the time, but yet he was here now to support me. Why? We felt we were connected somehow. This wasn’t a fling anymore.

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With time, the relationship blossomed. We were both surprised. Neither of us expected that this would happen. A one time secret fling had turned into something much better. We spoke about how it was a weird connection that lead to a secret, that lead to a friendship and then to a relationship.I think this is love. It’s unexpected.

Everyone we meet in our lives is there for a purpose. To teach you something to help you grow. Nobody is a mistake.

Together we have grown. We have had our bad times and good times. He has been patient with my inexpressive ways and I with his craziness at times. I’ve seen him when he’s weak and when he’s strong. He’s seen me happy and sad. We travelled together, we’ve laughed and cried together and I think it’s time that we’re going to be partners for life.

As humans we’re bound to make bad choices, we’re bound to succumb to guilty pleasures but it’s the understanding we share as to individuals that keeps us going. I found an unlikely friend who turned out to be much more. I’m sure life will throw many more challenges at us. But it is how we overcome them that will prove the strength of this bond.

The one that hurt

I quote again from this article.

https://www.elephantjournal.com/2016/11/we-only-fall-in-love-with-3-people-in-our-lifetime-each-one-for-a-specific-reason/

The second love is supposed to be our hard love—the one that teaches us lessons about who we are and how we often want or need to be loved. This is the kind of love that hurts, whether through lies, pain or manipulation.

We think we are making different choices than our first, but in reality we are still making choices out of the need to learn lessons—but we hang on. Our second love can become a cycle, oftentimes one we keep repeating because we think that somehow the ending will be different than before. Yet, each time we try, it somehow ends worse than before.

Sometimes it’s unhealthy, unbalanced or narcissistic even. There may be emotional, mental or even physical abuse or manipulation—most likely there will be high levels of drama. This is exactly what keeps us addicted to this storyline, because it’s the emotional rollercoaster of extreme highs and lows and like a junkie trying to get a fix, we stick through the lows with the expectation of the high.

With this kind of love, trying to make it work becomes more important than whether it actually should.

It’s the love that we wished was right.

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After the end of my first relationship, I was sad and looking for comfort. In film school I met someone who offered it. He was an acting student and as a script would have it we met while shooting for a short film. The director wanted me to be the ‘actress’ as he didn’t find anyone else suitable so unwillingly I agreed. I was to play the dead lover of this boy, who he reminisces about and eventually who drives him mad. Take note here.

So we met, got talking and became friends. He told me about his life. He was from a small town, had studied in a traditional school and grown up in an orthodox family. Women in the family didn’t really have a say and were shy and soft spoken. He spoke about his father, a local politician and leader who he looked up to and his mother who cooked the best food and loved him dearly. College brought him to the city and exposed him to the world of theatre and acting. He loved being on stage and that’s what eventually got him to film school. He had never had a girlfriend. There was a girl he liked in college and she liked him to but it never went beyond short conversations and smiles.

I told him about my life so far. Being brought up by a single mother, a brother with a disability and school that was very unlike his. The thing about my previous relationship was that we were from a similar background that’s what brought us together in the first place. Here I was talking to someone so different. He opened my world to place beyond South Delhi and socializing. Money also made a difference. My family was more well to do than his and I began to understand the importance and value of money through him.

We’d meet in a group at first and talk about our lives all through the night sipping on mint tea under the stars. Then we started texting each other. I knew it was rebound but I liked it. We once went on a walk and it started raining. I had the only umbrella so we opened it up, stood under it and talked until it stopped raining. Once we went for a play, he stood beside me and kept stealing glances at me. I could tell he liked me. One night he leaned over and kissed me. It felt good but I don’t know why I said ‘Why didn’t you ask me before doing that?’ He was puzzled but got over it.

After that we became a popular couple on campus. Most guys said he’s lucky me that me managed to get me. People asked me what I saw in him. He wasn’t the most good looking, or charming guy. For me it was something new and yes, I had a thing for performers.

Another important aspect in relationships is sex. I had not experienced it yet. I was curious but also scared to try it. In my head I was a traditionalist. I thought I’d have sex with the man I marry.

So in this relationship we’d have physical intimacy but no sex. He was okay with that too. He was also a poet. He’d read verses to me at night and I’d fall in love him and his voice each time. He said he loved letters, and when I was away I’d write to him. He would be thrilled but never write back. When he’d visit home we’d not talk because he didn’t want his family to know he was involved with anyone. I was okay with it. They were orthodox and would probably throw a fit if they found out.

My course was ending and he had another year to complete so it was now time to think about our lives ahead. I felt this was a strong relationship and could last despite our varied backgrounds. So I moved to Bombay to work. I was living alone, working with a television network and I’d find happiness only in talking to him in the evenings. My friends were there but not around to meet or talk to.  Then one day when he was heading back home, we had a stupid argument and he said he wanted to end this. I cried my eyes out trying to stop him but he was stubborn and hung up. I didn’t know what to do, alone in a city I hated with no friends or family to go to for comfort.

Another guy friend from campus happened to call me the next day and said he was going to campus. I thought a change of scene might be good so I accompanied him back. We reached late night so he offered me his hostel bed to sleep in. I agreed. Nothing happened that night. I slept on the bed and he slept on the mattress on the floor. The next morning I went to one of my teachers rooms and hung out. I texted my boyfriend in the hope that he would give us another chance.

The boyfriend called and apologized and said he wanted to break things up because it was getting serious and he wasn’t ready for it yet. I said it’s okay, we’ll take it as comes together and we were back together.

Long distance continued for another 2 years. I moved back to Delhi and he moved to Bombay. My job kept me busy for most of the day so I’d talk to him in the evenings and he’d tell me about the struggle with auditions and meetings. Clearly, he had more free time than me but soon he couldn’t deal with it. I would visit Bombay as often as I could. Send letters and gifts to surprise him. Fights began. It was becoming a routine.

Then the drama began. He’d pick fights for me for stupid reasons. Why I couldn’t pick him up from a bus stop. Why I didn’t visit Bombay often.Why I spent more time with my friends than with him. I was an emotionless cold-hearted bitch. I never expressed myself properly. According to him this was a relationship of convenience for me. In my head I still wanted to be with him. I don’t know why.

Once two common friends came to me and said ‘he’s cheated on you’. They had heard that he was at party with another woman. I confronted him, he said nothing of the sort had happened and that I should trust him.  I did.

I told him one day that I’d like to get serious. Maybe we should think about marriage. I knew his career wasn’t stable. He had briefly met my family and I had met his. But not as hs girlfriend. His family background was completely different but I loved him. He didn’t want to get serious.

One night I never forget. He was drunk he called me and began to abuse me verbally. He called me a slut for ‘sleeping with’ my friend who gave me a ride to campus, he said he’d tell my mother everything we had done together and what he thought I’d done with this other guy. I cried and begged him not to. But he just went on and on. I didn’t sleep that night. I wanted to get out.

He then said he wanted a break, I took it as a sign and agreed. He said we won’t talk for a month and I agreed. I was finally happy to be alone. A couple of months later he called saying it was a mistake to break up but this time I said I didn’t want to get back together. But it ended in a way where there was no closure.

A few months later I met someone else, I started a new relationship. Things were moving fast there. We got engaged and I moved to Bombay. I met the now ex at a friends place one night. We talked and I felt I finally had closure.

I met him again for a film, we talked and he came clean that he had cheated on me. I did feel bad but it was over now so didn’t want to hold a grudge. Then he changed back. Like the story of the film we acted in together when we met, reality was getting similar.

He’d text and call me in the middle of the night telling me he still loved me. He wanted us to be back together. I told him I’d moved on and he should too but it didn’t register. I had to block his number but the messages wouldn’t stop. He said he’d written songs about me. He sent me photos of my letters and gifts torn up but I just ignored them. I got a friend involved and told him that this had been happening and he should speak to the ex. He did but nothing came of it.

Then came an email. Asking me to meet him, time had changed him as a person. He said he was stable now and we should talk about getting back together. I replied in a harsh manner saying I was done and didn’t want this.

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The messages continued and I felt this was not normal. Maybe I gave him a place to be open and expressive

5 months after the last message (so far) I heard he was getting married. It was a surprise. I think family pressure had got to him and he did it. He’s got a wife now and I hope he’s happy.

I came across another interesting article that captures the reason why we do this.

http://thoughtcatalog.com/shahida-arabi/2016/05/the-real-reason-why-we-love-bad-boys-toxic-partners-and-emotionally-unavailable-men/

“We can become addicted to the highs and lows of dangerous romantic relationships in a way that makes a break-up from a toxic person similar to rehab from a destructive drug addiction.”

This relationship hurt me emotionally. I began fearing the unpredictability of people’s behavior. I gave him my best years and he gave me stress and sleepless nights. Maybe it was because I didn’t have sex with him. Maybe he craved intimacy that he didn’t get with casual hook-ups.

I’ll never know.