Sin

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Sometimes in life you meet someone unexpectedly. It’s difficult to explain the bonds you form. To the world they are wrong but to you they feel right. There is no definition for some relationships. He wasn’t my co-worker, my friend, my crush, my boyfriend. He was special.

We worked on a project together and I couldn’t stop the attraction I had towards him. It was his personality, like an enigma I felt drawn towards. We didn’t have much in common except our work. I tried to stop myself. I was in a committed relationship. I was happy but why was my mind going in this direction? I had no idea.

We talked about random things, tried spending time together which didn’t happen as much as we would have liked but it was fun whatever it was. Then he went his way and I went mine. But we just didn’t want to stop talking. I told him I was in a relationship, he appreciated my honesty but said that the attraction was mutual. We spoke endlessly everyday, wanting to meet again and share a moment together where time stood still and it was just us.

And the moment came. It was unforgettable. It was sin, it was lust but yet we couldn’t stop ourselves.Was it love? I’m not so sure.

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The thing with sin is, it can turn into addiction. Once you’ve tried something that’s out of reach normally, you want it more and more. We wanted more. We made it happen. Now this wasn’t a hook-up. We opened up to each other about our deepest darkest desires. What we wanted in life. What our past was. Wondering what the future will be. He was wise. He made a lot of sense saying what we’ve done will only make sense to us and no one else. Why hurt anyone by telling them about it?

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We met once again and I could feel a distance this time. He didn’t want to hurt me but he had to let go. Things were going too far. There was a physical and emotional connection but I was already involved with someone. For me, when I was with my partner my mind would switch off from this. But when I was alone at night I couldn’t resist calling up or thinking about this new feeling. I couldn’t share this with anyone. I’m sure anyone would judge me. But inside I didn’t want this to end. I knew it had to though.

I realized it was time to end it too. Better to cut off before things get out of hand. And we did. Until one night when I did something stupid.

Alcohol makes you do terrible things, and I drunk dialed him saying he didn’t miss me, saying he cut off from me only because he only wanted to hook-up with me. It was just immature and stupid. I regret it and feel so guilty for doing it. I could have remained friends with this person but ruined all chances of it.

He was angry as expected. But then he said some things in anger that have remained with me. He made me realize I have a partner who loves me, and I’m focusing on something that has no definition and probably won’t ever have one. My partner doesn’t deserve someone who is unfaithful. My partner deserves love and respect. So do all other people in my life and I had disrespected two very important people in life. It was unfair. I was being selfish. I couldn’t have the best of both worlds. I had to sort this out for myself. And it ended there.

I hope someday he will forgive my immature behavior and maybe we might be friends. We had our moments and that was that. It was good while it lasted.

Time to focus on the ‘now’ on what love actually is, and what my life partner deserves. And to sin I say “Thank you for memories that are always going to remain… You’re special”

 

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Friend

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We all have that on friend who we know is going to be there no mater what. Age, circumstance and life happen but this friend usually remains. I have never had that one friend who is my go to person for anything and everything. I’ve looked for them, found many who came close but not ‘the one’.

The one I remember most fondly is a friend I made on my first day at college. We started talking and somehow clicked. As college progressed so did our friendship. We were like sisters. We dressed alike, enjoyed doing the same things together and talking was just easy. I felt at ease with her. In school, I had made many friends but never managed to retain such a close friendship with anyone. It was different this time. We would shop together, eat together, watch films, talk about boys and bitch about our crazy classmates.

As we grow up, our outlook towards life begins to change and it effects our relationships. She began to make other friends within the group and I started to feel left out. We started talking less. I felt I had to keep up to keep pace with her expanding circle. Then I gave up. I tried talking to her once about it, she accepted it, but I knew she had changed. I guess this was meant to last for 2 years and nothing more.

I do miss a friend like her in my life even now. Someone who I can call at anytime to chat, gossip or share my happiness and fears. I did try and look for that in my boyfriends but it’s not the same. I have close friends but nobody who I feel entirely free with yet. I love them dearly but can’t see or speak to them when I want to. Maybe it’s selfish to expect another person to be your support or comfort in such a way but isn’t it needed?

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The search goes on…as does life.